he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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