oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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