so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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