i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
