He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
