Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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