How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
