they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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