I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
