That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
