So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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