im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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