I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
