Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
