I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
