Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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