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You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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