My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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