im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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