If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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