Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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