is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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