she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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