jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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