woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
