Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
