just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
