Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
