Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
