This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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