FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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