The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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