I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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