I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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