i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
