if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
