I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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