end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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