you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
