Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
