Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
