I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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