break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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