??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
