Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
