Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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