i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
