someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i think i have two assholes
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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