We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
