I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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