Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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